


Buy A Dog, Have a Few Laughs

by Kioee



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Other, dennis is valid, mac is also valid, sometimes you get a dog for someone even though you hate dogs, the dog does not die, the dog is the most valid of all, this is based off my own feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 18:24:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21002162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kioee/pseuds/Kioee
Summary: Dennis hates dogs. He hates them with a passion. But he knows Mac loves them. Nothing about getting Mac a dog could backfire. Not again, anyway.





	Buy A Dog, Have a Few Laughs

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a riff on a quote from Die Hard. A movie I have never seen.

“Oh come on!” Dennis yelled at the passenger seat. A small Yorkshire Terrier sat, playfully scratching the leather seat. It was awful and disgusting. A crime against everything he and his Range Rover stood for. This (literal) bitch was already a mistake.

Dennis thought about why he was doing this: Mac. Mac had been talking ceaselessly for a full month about dogs. He regaled stories about Poppins, explained in excruciating detail seeing dogs in a pet store window, and was even more insufferable when he and Dennis were out to lunch and someone brought their dog to the outdoor dining area. The most disgusting thing was that Mac went right back to eating his food after touch the vile creature. Burt all his whining had worn on Dennis and he figured Mac might be more tolerable if he actually had a dog.

Dennis made sure it was something small but not too yappy. This one - now napping instead of destroying - seemed perfectly well-behaved at the time he picked it out at the breeder. It wasn’t that ugly either. Definitely a dog that people would respond to with coos and whatever pathetic baby babble they did. Yes, this was a dog that Dennis could tolerate. It would still have to be taken outside, but Mac could deal with the more unsavory aspects of dog care. And this time nothing tragic would happen, and nobody would end up eating something they didn’t want to eat.

The worst part was yet to come, as Dennis parked the car and remembered the stupid thing is too small to jump out by itself. He must pick it up. With a sigh, he got out of the car and went around to the passenger side. The thing wiggled excitedly, looking ready to jump anyway. “No, godammit, stay still you insolent creature!” He lifted it, trying not to get any dog hair on him, but it wriggled around so much that Dennis was afraid he’d drop it and it’d be dead before he even got it inside.

“I hate you,” he hissed loudly at it, earning a judgmental look from the neighbors. They could go ahead and judge him all they wanted. Dog people were idiots for liking such terrible, dirty animals. Now a cat, that was a practical animal. But a cat isn’t what Mac would want, which is why Dennis was holding this dog in the first place. He sighed and made his way inside.

“Mac!” he called as he opened the door. “Mac, get out here! I got something for you!”

Mac came out of Dennis’s bedroom, probably the bathroom - whoever designed an apartment with only one bathroom and put that one bathroom off the master bedroom was an idiot and is hopefully fired from designing any floor plan ever again - and gave Dennis a smile. “Did you pick up the milk? I texted you about it but you didn’t text back and I thought you might have died but you did say to give it two days before calling the cops and--” 

He stopped and stared. “Is that a dog?” His eyes lit up and getting this damn thing seemed worth it. Dennis wanted Mac to look like that all the time, to be rightfully grateful.

“Yeah,” Dennis answered, holding it out as it wiggled again. “I thought you might like it.”  
“I do!” Mac said happily as he took the dog in his arms and let it lick all over his face. Dennis sneered. He’d seen where that thing’s tongue had been earlier.

“Don’t name it something stupid,” Dennis warned before Mac could open his mouth. 

Mac frowned. “I wasn’t gonna.” Mac stared at the dog for a few seconds. “Okay I was gonna call her Mac Jr,” he admitted.

Dennis rolled his eyes. “She needs a good name, Mac.” 

Mac looked at Dennis with the same expression as the dog he was holding. Dennis wasn’t sure he liked the feeling that curled around in his chest, but he sighed and threw up his hands and mumbled something.

“What?” Mac said.

“McClane,” Dennis repeated and he felt that feeling in his chest again as Mac’s face lit up. 

“I love it!” he said before nuzzling his face in the dog’s fur. McClane - as was now its name - wriggled and yapped in excitement. Dennis took a deep breath and hoped he wouldn’t regret this.

When Mac tried to lean in to kiss him, Dennis pulled away. “Stop that. That thing’s tongue has been all over your face.”

That didn’t deter Mac’s excitement as he kept holding the dog. “Oh you’re the best ever McClane. You’re gonna be so loved and you’re not gonna die ‘cause we’re gonna feed you and take care of you.”

Taking care of the damn thing turned out to be a fucking ordeal.

Even though Dennis had demanded that Mac take full responsibility for the care of the dog, he didn’t anticipate that Mac didn’t actually know what the fuck he was doing. True, the thing was kept fed and alive but it was an effort. Dennis had spent most of the time reminding Mac that it had to be fed or taken outside or played with, or any number of things. What made it worse was that though Mac was the one that spent any actual time at all with the thing, it would not leave Dennis alone.

It followed Dennis around the apartment, only going to Mac when he called and had a treat as a bribe. The stupid thing just did not want to leave Dennis’s side which he did not care for one bit. This was especially true when he tried to get some sleep and it wanted to get into the bed. 

“No, no. Absolutely not,” he protested.  
Mac made that face he made when things didn’t go his way. “But she’s so small, she won’t be a bother at all,” he argued. “And she can be on my side. You won’t even notice she’s there,” he promised.

Mac was a liar. 

Dennis noticed it was there every night. It would jump into their bed - Dennis had tried keeping the door closed but it had started barking and scratching at the door incessantly - and nestle close to Dennis. He hated it. And the thing was relentless. It didn’t matter how many times Dennis would move it off the bed or even to Mac’s side of the bed, it would always come back and curl up right by his legs. After two weeks of this, Dennis finally gave up, reasoning trying to get a dog off his bed wasn’t worth getting up so many times in a night.

What was worst of all was that Mac wasn’t even happy about it anymore.

“She doesn’t like me,” he complained one day after trying and failing to get its attention. The thing was sitting next to Dennis on the couch as close as it could possibly get without outright sitting on his lap.

“I don’t know what the problem is,” Dennis said. “It’s probably just an idiot.” He gave Mac a pointed look. “Like you.”

Mac huffed. “I’m being serious! She never wants to sit with me. She always just goes to you or hangs around you or wants your attention.”

“Like you.” Dennis looked over at Mac with a smirk. 

With a frown, Mac turned away to the kitchen. “Bitches. Both of you,” he muttered. Dennis just laughed and the dog gave a small bark and wagged its tail - its whole body - in agreement.

It was a losing battle, and Mac, though harboring a lot more resentment and spite and jealousy towards a dog than is healthy for anyone, decided to embrace the fact that the wretched thing just loved Dennis. Maybe it was the common ground or maybe it was that Mac just stopped giving a shit, but he stopped outwardly complaining about not getting enough attention from a fucking dog. It didn’t cut down on the attention he got from Dennis - and he was completely willing to follow the rule of no dogs in the bedroom while banging - so things were calm for a while.

Dennis had grown used to the dog in the apartment. Mac still handled the primary feeding/walking/cleaning duties and it was usually quiet. A few times it got a little rambunctious and wouldn’t shut up, but that was usually when someone was about to come to their door so it was actually nice to have an early warning sign. It was never going to be an attack dog, but both Mac and Dennis appreciated the security aspects of the yapping.  
He’d been worn down enough to agree to go on a walk with Mac and the dog in the park. Dennis had to admit it had been a while since he and Mac had just walked together anyway. He’d never ask for it, of course, but he couldn’t help it if the spark of jealousy rose up every time Mac left the apartment with the dog and not him. Which was stupid. Only someone as idiotic as Mac would be jealous of a dog. And he wasn’t eager to go on this walk. He didn’t immediately say yes and stand up to get his shoes on before Mac had even grabbed the leash. No. That would be desperate.

There had never been a moment in their life before that Dennis had felt more like a couple with Mac. Sure they had their rituals and now slept in the same room and did all those disgusting things that couples did to express their affection for one another. But there was something about walking in the park on a bright spring day next to Mac and a dog that just felt… right. Dennis couldn’t help but smile and he looked over at Mac to see him looking contented as well. Yes, this was what life really was about.

A snarl ripped through the air and through Dennis’s thoughts. A yelp made him look down to see the dog cowering between his legs. Dennis looked over to see some asshole straining to hold the leash to some massive beast that was trying to pass for a golden retriever. That beast was growling and trying to leap at his dog. That was unacceptable.

“I’m so sorry,” Asshole said. “He’s never like this. I don’t know what came over him.”

Dennis stepped forward. “Get control of your fucking dog!” he screamed. “Get that thing away from us and our dog or you shall face a fate far worse that whatever this,” he gestured to the retriever, still snarling, “thing is planning on doing to my dog.” He gave Asshole a good look over. Yeah he could definitely tear this guy apart. “Do not test me, for I will protect what is mine and bring swift justice down upon you as if the gods themselves hated you.” His voice got lower. “And they do, Asshole. They do.”

Asshole backed up, yanking a bit on the leash. “Jesus, nothing even happened. Calm down.”

“I will not be calm!” Dennis shouted after him as he walked away, getting better control of the snarling beast. 

“Hey, Den,” Mac said softly, placing a hand on Dennis’s back. “Thanks for taking care of that asshole.” Mac looked rightfully grateful and even McClane jumped up, pawing at Dennis’s shin. 

“Well if people could control their animals I wouldn’t have to,” Dennis said as he reached down to pat McClane’s head. She gave his hand a lick and Dennis stood back up, wiping his hand on Mac’s shirt. Mac nudged him with his shoulder and they kept on walking. 

The dog situation had improved somewhat on Dennis’s end. McClane was actually a lot smarter than he had realized. It was incredibly easy to train her and after a full day with her while Mac had been out running errands, he’d managed to teach her the basics: sit, lay down, and shake. He’d also taught her how to play dead after pretending to shoot her, spin around while hopping on her back legs, and even to growl whenever Hans Gruber came on screen. Mac was, of course, incredibly impressed.

“That’s amazing, Dennis!” he said as he put away groceries. 

Dennis picked up McClane and held her close. She did not lick his face - that was also something he taught her. “She’s so smart, Mac. If she could talk, I bet she could be running scams all on her own.”

Mac gasped and smiled wide. “We should use her in a scam! People love dogs and they’ll definitely trust us more if they see us with a dog!”

Dennis gave Mac a quick kiss. “You’re a goddamn genius.”

McClane gave a happy bark and Dennis couldn’t help but smile. He hated that he actually loved her - loved her with all the intensity he had to love - but he also hated that he loved Mac and he’d dealt with that just fine. They were both his and that made them special.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. you can find me on tumblr [here](https://movetothesuburbs.tumblr.com)


End file.
